please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
my liver is dry heaving
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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