even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
