ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
