I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
