Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
