I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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