Already got asked if we're dating
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
