we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
