I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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