My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
