Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
