Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
