capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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