I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
