I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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