I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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