The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize