I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize