"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
