I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
did i walk over a car last night?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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