I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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