Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
