I want you more than these girls want KFC
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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