If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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