I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
