i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I could fuck to npr.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
