I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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