So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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