I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
