just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
handjob tips. give me some.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
