just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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