I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
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Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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