Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
