After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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