we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
