Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
