There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
