just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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