I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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