i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
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show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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