i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
