i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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