I just saw a hot homeless man
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
