Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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