areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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