she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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