I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
