can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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