can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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