Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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