i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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