I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i now understand why vodka
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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