My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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