I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize