I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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