it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
