I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
