I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
