Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
