I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
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Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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