You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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